NEWS REWOUND 1

We are a pair and we are here to strut our stuff. Call me BULL and call him BILL, then hang in here as we look at some of the past week’s news items together.. Welcome to NEWS REWOUND on calitown.com (cough).

BILL: BULL, you can’t start a presentation with a cough, blockhead!
BULL: I haven’t asked for your opinion yet, let’s get to the news.

1. “G.7 govs dump PDP for APC”THE NATION.

“The new Peoples Democratic Party on Tuesday formally merged with the APC…to rescue our fledgling democracy”

BILL: BULL, tell me the difference between a watchnight and a security man?

BULL: Hahahahaha. You can only try but you can’t kill me. Why the analogy?

BILL: @yawns. By far the ‘greatest’ news of the past week and something a lot of us Nigerians knew will go down at some point, but seriously-o, all these people are just struggling to stand ‘well well’ and steal our stolen money.

BULL: @frown. How do you steal stolen money?

BILL: Since Abacha’s loot got in, more billionaires in govt have emerged. Pls go to the next story and leave these bloody twats alone, PDP kó, APC ní!

2. “Doubts surround alleged attack on Oduah’s car”PUNCH

“An alleged attack on the car of the Minister of Aviation, Stella Oduah, at Maitama, Abuja was reported to the FCT Police Command”

BULL: #lookingaround. Now we got a real case on our hands!

BILL: We have no case, what we have on our hands is a badly written Nollywood script. I mean, how else do you want Sisi Oduah to win sympathy and walk away with the bulletproof heist? The police in that report said, the metallic objects found in the car were “being subjected to ballistic tests to ascertain whether it was a bullet or not”. How do hunters in the village know bullets? Take this spoof away and bring on better rocket science.

3. “Man drowns while swimming to win bet”PUNCH

BILL: Sad one BULL, but I want to say that, em …

BULL: Hold it and let me ask why people take this kind of risk. Did you get the details of this story?

BILL: I thought you cut in because you had the full gist. So the whole cacophony was I.G, initial ‘gra gra’ I mean. See-o, this chap and his buddies placed a bet that he can swim from one part of the Lagos lagoon to the other. They set out in a boat to a spot in the lagoon, pallie jumps into the lagoon and his buddies move on to the other side to wait. A few strokes and wham, he aint seen again.

BULL: #matteroffactly So what do his buddies do?

BILL: #felabration…..”evribody run run run, evribody scatter scatter, confusion evriwhere…” 

BULL : May his soul rest in peace. And what do you respond BILL?

BILL: Same to you! *wink*

BULL: I don’t blame you. Someday you will understand that life is not all about all this rubbish that is in your ‘ojoro’ head.

4. “CR to light biggest Xmas tree in Africa” AGENCY REPORTS

BILL: One question, just one question, “what will we do with the branches thereafter?”

BULL: A christmas tree is not your normal tree, it is a plastic representation of a tree and ….#sneezes

BILL: God knows I wanted to say something, that’s why he made you sneeze. If they are bringing the tree into Calabar and get trapped at the new-found Odukpani junction hold up, wetin go happen?

BULL: Pessimist of the first order. The tree will get here safely and we will have a blast, #aintnostoppingus

BILL: Thanks Sunny Neji, #facemeifaceyou-o

5. “A’Ibom women vow to go naked over land acquisition by govt”VANGUARD

BILL: What’s this BULL?

BULL: Now, open your ears. The reports says, “women in Enniong Offot, Offot clan in Uyo, AKS, have threatened to protest naked on the streets and cry unto the gods of the land, should govt refuse their plea and insist on confiscating their land”.

BILL: The last time I checked most gods of the land had been made deaf by power ‘preying’ pastors who derive their powers from beaches and skulls. If the women want to walk naked, can I have an invite to the show, been long I saw it for free.

6. “Cashless policy to go nationwide in 2014”PUNCH

BILL: I love this one, it will make most of my dealings with the opposite specie, cashless. Guys like you BULL can go ahead and pay but me gwan hide under this and talk me way outta paying for any bite at the fruit.

BULL: God help your negative native ingenuity.

 

 

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